Since I have been down this road of loss so many times before… you kind of know what to expect.. flashes of grief flood over you in waves … you notice every single pregnant woman within a 20 mile radius of you…. new baby cries stir your soul … it’s like you wear a badge of sadness for awhile … and then you slowly recover and you find that you don’t put on that badge every day and then not at all .. that doesn’t mean you forget or don’t remember cuz you do .. but the pain is less the sting not so strong… you heal … it’s all a process.
Since I have been so busy working 16 hour days … I exaggerate not! the process has been delayed … a few little waves of sadness have hit me here and there and as quickly as it’s presence surprises me I have been able to push it back. Looking at my husband in the quiet moments .. and if you know my life there are hardly ANY quiet moments 🙂 … I feel the sadness and even a looming sense of failure of the possibility of not giving this incredible man a child…. it’s not coming from him but a deep place inside of me.
There are no answers of yet … that process takes a while … I still have to take a bunch of tests my schedule just hasn’t allowed for it … and now my body is taking a lot longer to heal then “normal” … so there may be more ultrasounds and surgery required if I don’t heal soon … and by soon I mean by today, tomorrow I have to go in if things haven’t stopped. Kind of all makes the process of loss a little more dragged out. All reminders of loss.
Life is one giant process … things are thrown at you and choices are made and consequences follow … no one said it would be easy … cept for the Disney happy endings but we all quickly forget the conflict and opposition to get to the happy ending … sometimes people don’t get happy endings but that’s a WHOLE other post for another day!
So to any women out there or men even for that matter … that have experienced loss in miscarriage, you are not alone, you will heal, you can survive and when you do come through the other side being willing to share with others will give them the hope they need to look for the light at the end of the tunnel!
Sometimes I feel like I could speak on a whole matter of things as in my life I have experienced so many different things … some by choice some not … there is a process to go through and everything is in it’s Season!!
New International Version (NIV)
A Time for Everything
3 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time for war and a time for peace.